Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*watches the world burn*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.