Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?