Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My dad teaching me to drive
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.