Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.