*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*