Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
put ‘er there pardner!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules