Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
called in thicc to work this morning
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I want to meet the individual who made this