Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.