Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.