Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
You Might Also Like
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!