Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
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My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*limbos under the caution tape
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl