These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird