What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company