Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.