@imOverlyManly: Loses house keys. Builds new house.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?