I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Every work call, he judges.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
what it’s like dating me: