Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
You Might Also Like
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold