Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Just why bro?!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names