Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Tough love is true love
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?