@inmynewskin: Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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@SteveKoehler22: This headline stunned me- "Mars to reduce carbon emissions" Until I realized it was the candy maker ... and not the planet.
@TheRealRHB: I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
@mynameisntdave: If you want your dog to take a pill: 1. Get a piece of cheese 2. Eat the cheese for energy 3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
@KatieBurnett: Blind dates are the best because they can't see me stealing all of the food from their plate