Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa