Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My sex drive has a dui
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life