Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
🤣😂
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.