@TuffyNyC: Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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@fakegoldegg: toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
@Turbo_Jimmy: *hostage situation* Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out... NO DON'T COME IN HERE
@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@VeganZebra: WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less