lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
any last words?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?