@girlnarly: lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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@seanoconnz: THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here? ME: Please don't look at me, my shirt is off.
@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description? ME: It's like a big, fast dog
@Phantasmagoriax: If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
@mrjohndarby: doctor: can you describe the pain? me: i have a knife sticking into me doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain me: sharp doctor: like a knife? me: yes, exactly that doctor: *proudly* its my first day