lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’