LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Interior design 👌
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”