LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.