Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday