@jakob_huber: Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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@AGreaterMonster: Dear Applicant, Your résumé appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!
@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@Jesssicle: Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex.
@PinkCamoTO: 5: I want to do something no one else has ever done. Me: Help me clean? 5: No. Something fun.