Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You Might Also Like
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The two types of wives
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.