*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
that’s really how it is
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?