*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
are they though??
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits