[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale