Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”