If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler