Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?