Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
even bears disappoint their mothers
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.