Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights