Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
choose your gary
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.