Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
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I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.