[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.