[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
馃槀
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pok茅mon GO but like…..opposite.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I can鈥檛 find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
colleges: i鈥檓 going to put you in so much debt you can鈥檛 even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won鈥檛 donate to our alumni fund
No, autocorrect. I don鈥檛 want a shipload of marijua鈥ctually, ya that鈥檚 fine.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I鈥檓 on the way to a fabulous day.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting