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@UncleDuke1969: [loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
@DaveTheAlbino: The fact touche and douche don't rhyme bothers me.
@stephenjmolloy: <enter password>
<password is weak>
<password is feeling a little better>
@iwearaonesie: If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
@therealeatwood: ARTEMIS: No man shall boast he has seen Artemis bathe! *turns Actæon into a stag*
[Artemis nudes go viral, 2.2M viewers turn into stags]
@HatfieldAnne: How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.