[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m crying im so happy for them
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*