“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
tinder is all about the long game
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.