[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.