[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
crochet youtube is brutal
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
hey, alexa
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating