Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.