@HuffPostComedy: Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special 'Live At The Comedy Store'
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
@SondraDeeMe: [in bed] BF: Why are you scared? ME: Cuz your Mom's here BF: She's not bad *Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
@just1fool: "Please. Make yourself at home." *Brings cat and litter box inside* *Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*