Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Only short people can save us
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[eulogy]
line?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now