At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
rapatouille
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago