Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
This could’ve been an email.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.