My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”