[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.